How I Was Gentle With Myself Today
I've been in this stupid sleep trough cycle, where I fall asleep rather quickly for about 4 hours. Then I wake up just about every hour, on the hour, fall back to sleep and get doused in dreams. I don't have nice dreams, so for this to manifest itself multiple times a night is ending up to be rather exhausting.
Yesterday I knew I needed to grocery shop today. Before going to bed last night, I was already trotting myself through what the schedule would need to be today.
And then, another one of those come the dawn moments, when I woke up this morning I acknowledged that I really, truly didn't HAVE to do anything today. I could make decision spur of the moment as the proverbial spirit moved me. The only thing, as always, standing in my way of doing same was me.
I gave it a try. Took myself off the wheel of routine which I was clinging to as it spun around not unlike a ferris wheel building up steam. Just do what you feel like doing. It's okay.
Be gentle with yourself.
We read that phrase frequently these days. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle to yourself. Don't expect too much of yourself. Easier said than done. For me there's an undercurrent of fear that if I do that, I'll gain a million pounds overnight. I'll turn into a sloth, never again able to rouse myself from the bed or couch or recliner. Motivation will ooze away and will be depleted for the remainder of my lifetime.
Rationally, I know, I KNOW that's not true. Emotionally, I'll postulate it's fueling those awful dreams I have.
But today, ta da! I did it. Or at least my version of being gentle with myself. For those of you interested, this is what it looked like:
1. After watching the first half hour of the Today show just to insure I was up to date on what was needed to know, I flipped over to Sex and the City reruns. The show had just begun the Aidan and Carrie arc, one of my favorites. (Did you not cry when Aidan told Carrie she broke his heart?) What I usually would have done is check the time and when it was 9, when routine would dictate getting on with the day, I would have flipped off the TV. Today I lounged around just because that's what I felt like doing. (I know. Big deal.)
2. After I went to the grocery store, I heard the internal nag about working out. I mean, we're right here in the middle of beautiful weather and what a waste of this blessing it would be not to go out for a power walk. There was a ding ding which said I was up for a walk but more of a stroll. So that's what I did (although there's a strong southerly wind and walking into it was maybe more of a workout than I had in mind).
3. While walking, I listened to the Sunday Sitdown podcast by Willie Geist . He interviewed John Mulaney, a comedian who previously worked on SNL and has a number of specials on Netflix. Routine would have slid me onto the yoga mat. Instead, I took up my crocheting and watched one of the specials. Mulaney is very funny. Might be a good diversion for you.
4. Oh, forgot. Bought myself a piece of carrot cake at the grocery store. My favorite.
5. It felt so good, sitting in the chair, I watched General Hospital.
6. Started a new book, The Library Book, by Susan Orlean. Yesterday I finished The Night Watchman by Louise Erdich. Such an exquisitely written novel.
7. Then, because I felt stiff after sitting in that chair, I did do some yoga. Hank laid on the floor next to my mat the entire time without moving.
8. Oh, I forgot. Started dinner in the crockpot.
9. Took a shower, laid on the bed for a little bit, made myself a grapefruit margarita and the spirit moved me to write, so here you go.
I already hear the niggling voice in the back of my head chattering away about what tomorrow's routine should like look. Think I'll wait until tomorrow morning before deciding if I listen to it.
Yesterday I knew I needed to grocery shop today. Before going to bed last night, I was already trotting myself through what the schedule would need to be today.
And then, another one of those come the dawn moments, when I woke up this morning I acknowledged that I really, truly didn't HAVE to do anything today. I could make decision spur of the moment as the proverbial spirit moved me. The only thing, as always, standing in my way of doing same was me.
I gave it a try. Took myself off the wheel of routine which I was clinging to as it spun around not unlike a ferris wheel building up steam. Just do what you feel like doing. It's okay.
Be gentle with yourself.
We read that phrase frequently these days. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle to yourself. Don't expect too much of yourself. Easier said than done. For me there's an undercurrent of fear that if I do that, I'll gain a million pounds overnight. I'll turn into a sloth, never again able to rouse myself from the bed or couch or recliner. Motivation will ooze away and will be depleted for the remainder of my lifetime.
Rationally, I know, I KNOW that's not true. Emotionally, I'll postulate it's fueling those awful dreams I have.
But today, ta da! I did it. Or at least my version of being gentle with myself. For those of you interested, this is what it looked like:
1. After watching the first half hour of the Today show just to insure I was up to date on what was needed to know, I flipped over to Sex and the City reruns. The show had just begun the Aidan and Carrie arc, one of my favorites. (Did you not cry when Aidan told Carrie she broke his heart?) What I usually would have done is check the time and when it was 9, when routine would dictate getting on with the day, I would have flipped off the TV. Today I lounged around just because that's what I felt like doing. (I know. Big deal.)
2. After I went to the grocery store, I heard the internal nag about working out. I mean, we're right here in the middle of beautiful weather and what a waste of this blessing it would be not to go out for a power walk. There was a ding ding which said I was up for a walk but more of a stroll. So that's what I did (although there's a strong southerly wind and walking into it was maybe more of a workout than I had in mind).
3. While walking, I listened to the Sunday Sitdown podcast by Willie Geist . He interviewed John Mulaney, a comedian who previously worked on SNL and has a number of specials on Netflix. Routine would have slid me onto the yoga mat. Instead, I took up my crocheting and watched one of the specials. Mulaney is very funny. Might be a good diversion for you.
4. Oh, forgot. Bought myself a piece of carrot cake at the grocery store. My favorite.
5. It felt so good, sitting in the chair, I watched General Hospital.
6. Started a new book, The Library Book, by Susan Orlean. Yesterday I finished The Night Watchman by Louise Erdich. Such an exquisitely written novel.
7. Then, because I felt stiff after sitting in that chair, I did do some yoga. Hank laid on the floor next to my mat the entire time without moving.
8. Oh, I forgot. Started dinner in the crockpot.
9. Took a shower, laid on the bed for a little bit, made myself a grapefruit margarita and the spirit moved me to write, so here you go.
I already hear the niggling voice in the back of my head chattering away about what tomorrow's routine should like look. Think I'll wait until tomorrow morning before deciding if I listen to it.
Stay healthy! Thinking about both of you!
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