Disappointed!

Disappointed!


I am, by nature, a problem solver.  A pusher-througher.  A "We Can Do This."  A stay in the momenter.  A believer in the power of knowledge to empower.  Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

 As part of a marital team, as a breadwinner in a family, a daughter, a friend, a parent...I've been through difficult times.  Though I've had my moments, very seldom did I find myself so bottomed out that I couldn't move forward.  That I felt paralyzed by fear and worry.  Overwhelmed by hopelessness. And I've lived through multiple world crises but perhaps because in those times I was younger, I lived in awareness of the world's difficulties rather than wallowing in what dire outcomes the circumstances would produce.

 Now, I'm 68.  I'm fearful all of those traumas in my life's rear view mirror are informing my response to this crisis, which, I'll admit, is not good.  I am so disappointed in myself because, damn!  I am really struggling to crawl on top of this.  And I'm sitting in the sunshine, yes, even on the beach because the beach in front of our townhouse is not considered a public beach, and we have plenty to eat, a dog to pet, water to drink, enough toilet paper (although the Spousal Unit™ has a reputation for overuse), our friends and family are healthy...and this morning I had to work overtime and then some to haul my sorry ass out of bed.  (ed. note: I did)  I'm not faced with the never ending list of problems that so so so many others worldwide are being smacked up side the head with.  And I'm having trouble getting out of bed.

 I'm disappointed in myself.  I should be better.  I can be better.

 I gave this some thought while paddling around the pool (yet another blessing, I mean, c'mon, how blessed can I get in terms of where I'm riding out the pandemic).  Here's what I've come up with, and maybe this will be helpful to any of you who are thinking same, because, after all, as POTUS always reminds us, "No one has ever seen anything like this and we are WINNING!" 

 A.  I need to give myself a break.  "Hard things are supposed to be hard," said President Obama.  This is a hard thing.  Why do I keep trying to make it less hard?  Let it be hard.

 B (1). A little indulgence might be useful.  Not overindulgence, mind you.  Mine is having a hand full of potato chips, which I had forsworn, with y breakfast sandwich.  It's okay if, for the duration, I don't keep hammering myself to be good, stay strong, don't give in.  Once in a while I could.  Once in a while I should.

 3. I've already limited checking the news what felt like every 20 seconds.  I do listen to the daily press briefing because inevitably POTUS says something that pisses me off toe the nth degree and then I can engage in one of my favorite stress management techniques: YELLING at the television or radio, "SHUT UP!"  or "YOU'RE ANNOYING! I'M DONE WITH YOU" or "YOU'RE A FU*^%ING MORON.  SIT DOWN."

 C.  I've felt so guilty anytime I've thought something sarcastic or snarky or nasty about the pandemic.  For example, I'm finding myself looking at all the Facebook and Instagram posts about how wonderful the American people are being to each other and thinking, "We'll see how long that lasts."  Or when POTUS announced financial aid packages for large companies, my first thought, before one of the reporters could even ask the question, was, "Well, that will end badly.  Those SOBs will give themselves enormous bonuses and use it for stock by backs rather than passing the money on to their employees."  I'm going to quit feeling guilty.  I find such thoughts can entertain me and soothe my soul enough to get me out of bed.  I know enough not to share (other than with the Spousal Unit™).

 D. (5) Listening for the moment for prayer/meditation/gratefulness. If I can keep mind clear and my heart full, those moments usually pass through to me and my ensuing response allows me to relax and breathe more fully.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7TOHrppa_E  (because we all can use a dose of the Coach in these troubled times)

 10.  Continue to blog.  Writing helps and using this vehicle helps.  Please remember to bypass reading this if it doesn't do anything for you.

 Stay healthy, my friends.

 I feel better.  Thanks.  I'm breathing more fully.


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