And then there were none

Review, Reconsider, Restore, Reconnect 

While driving home from Florida, while keeping my eyes on the road and paying attention, my brain decided to take a detour into some of the deeper, darker recesses of memory.  There I found myself reviewing about a half dozen, if I recall correctly, truly awful situations where my behavior was at least horrible if not reprehensible.  I don't know what triggered said review and try as I may, the visuals and audios refused to shut off.  Now, this did keep me very attentive as I drove so perhaps that's why this occurred at that moment, but really, these were events that I hadn't revisited in many years nor did I harbor any interest in seeing them make the Grand Review.

What would happen is this: I'd be driving, the highlight reel would kick in.  We'd stop, Dan would take over the driver's seat, and I would work hard on reconsidering what I had done and, more importantly, why I had done it.  Truth be told, I pretty much failed at figuring out why I had done it, maybe because at this stage in the age game I would have done better.  It's not that I didn't know better back in the day, but execution of appropriate behavior was, obviously, a different story.

Relying on the old saying, "It is what it is and it was what it was," as well as "Shoulda, woulda, coulda," I'd take a few breaths imbued with self-forgiveness, then ask myself how I could restore my behaviors so they would reconnect with what I like to consider my authentic self.

Fortunately--or, unfortunately, depends upon your perspective--the restore and reconnect is ongoing.  It creeps up at night, not all the time, primarily before I fall asleep.  My mantra then becomes, "It's alright.  You don't act like that now.  You still have so much room and time to reconnect with yourself."  And the 'you don't act like that now' has morphed into what feels like a heavy blanket, settling into my mind, as opposed to being confronted with the individual acts of "you were bad."

"Bad.  It's bad.  Wouldn't be prudent."

You would think at 73 all this would have found a place to settle and not worm its miserable way back to the forefront, wouldn't you?  Maybe it shouldn't, because as we age, self-awareness is a critical skill to bring with us into this last phase of life.  Let's frame this as an opportunity, then.

It helps when I write about things that gnaw at my gut, so thanks for reading.  And in appreciation, I have another New York Times cooked as written recipe.

My thanks to readers who recommended a number of places where I could purchase the items I mentioned as being regularly unavailable in my prior blog!

• Stir-Fried Sesame Shrimp and Spinach by Martha Rose Schulman
• 1pound large shrimp, peeled and deveined
• Salt to taste
• ⅛teaspoon sugar
• 2tablespoons canola oil or light sesame oil
• 1tablespoon minced ginger
• 1tablespoon minced garlic
• ¼ to ½teaspoon crumbled dried red chili (I actually purchased dried red chili)
• 2tablespoons sesame seeds
• 1generous bunch spinach (about 1 pound), stems trimmed at the end, rinsed in 2 changes water
• 2teaspoons dark sesame oil (could not find dark sesame oil)
• Step 1
• Place the shrimp in a large colander and rinse with water. Sprinkle generously with salt and toss together for about a minute. Rinse with water and repeat. After rinsing one more time, drain on paper towels. Pat dry with more paper towels.
• Step 2
• Combine ¼ to ½ teaspoon salt (to taste) and the sugar in a small bowl and place close to your wok.
• Step 3
• Heat a 14-inch flat-bottomed wok over high heat until a drop of water evaporates within a second or two when added to the pan. Swirl in 1 tablespoon of the oil by adding it to the sides of the pan and swirling the pan, then add the garlic, ginger and chili flakes and stir-fry for no more than 10 seconds. Push to the sides of the pan and add the shrimp in one layer. Let cook undisturbed for 1 minute, then add the remaining oil and stir-fry for 1 minute.
• Step 4
• Add the sesame seeds and spinach and stir-fry for 1 minute, until it has begun to wilt but the wilting is still uneven. Add the salt and sugar, sprinkling it evenly over the spinach, and continue to stir-fry until the spinach has wilted but is still bright and the shrimp are cooked through and bright pink, about 2 more minutes. Remove from the heat, drizzle on the sesame oil, toss together and serve, with rice, noodles or other grains.
• Tip
• Advance preparation: You can prepare the shrimp through Step 1 several hours ahead.
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  I read that a NYT recipes reader cooked all the recipes involving salmon!  Impressive.