Acclimation

 It's all in how you frame it, isn't it?  Your perspective?  How you choose to look at things, your focus, the way you take the good with the bad?  Permit the bad to simmer until it all burns away?  

This was, for me, the first time in a long time that I gave myself over to the bad and wow, what a ride.  I allowed the emotions to suck me under and stay there as I felt necessary, holding back on the urge to seek the surface prematurely.  Along the way, there have been multiple instances of assistance without the assistor knowing how critically important their actions were to me.  For example, the song at the end of water aerobics includes the lyrics, "I've got a new lease on life."  A couple of my friends in the pool nudged me when that refrain played. "That's you," one said.  "You literally have a new lease on life."

 Yoga pushed me out of my head onto the mat, providing a flossing that not only stretched muscles sore from the physical task of moving, but the mental miasma of negativity as well.  A subbing instructor brought a serendipity with her teaching.  She read a meditation from psychologist Tara Brach about RAIN: A Practice of Radical Compassion.   

Recognize what is happening.

Allow the experience to be there, just as it is.

Investigate with interest and care.

Nurture with self-compassion.  

The fruit of RAIN is realizing that you are no longer imprisoned in or identified with any limiting sense of self. Give yourself the gift of becoming familiar with the truth and natural freedom of your being; it is mysterious and precious!

That nearly knocked me, senseless, off my mat.  Just what I needed.  Exactly what I was, feebly but persistently, attempting to do.  The meditation reached me where I was and didn't ask me to do anything other than be there.  I had been traveling in that direction all along.  Here was the destination.  Be there, just as it is.  Investigate it, rather than permitting it to happen to me, with interest and care.  And then give yourself a frickin' break.  Quit pushing.  If you investigate with interest and care, have faith nature will ease you forward.

The move has taken a lot out of me--admitting same, that's the nurture with self-compassion.  My brain felt as if it was on a constant rinse and repeat cycle, siphoning off what I didn't need, simultaneously reaching deep to nurture what what will best serve me.

There've been any number of small mercies over the past 2 1/2 weeks.  Emptying the boxes.  Hanging pictures on the wall.  Laughing at where Benny has found his space in the apartment (in the guest bedroom closet).  Cooking with the herbs from the planter on the balcony.  

Followed by, a series of realizations.

I like it here, in the apartment.  As mentioned, it's bright, light, airy.  Spacious.  The design includes a small foyer, then hallway until you walk into the 'great room' of the apartment, so you don't dump into the living space the moment you open the front door.  There's an in-unit laundry room with a full size washer and dryer and sink.  Yes, we are filling two storage units and I'll admit to missing my 'stuff' but there is better than sufficient storage in the apartment.  And since we are the first occupants, everything is brand new.  Toward the front end of our marriage, we lived in a new build townhouse for a couple years, but otherwise our residences have been more mature, shall we say, a major attraction being the fully grown landscaping around the premises.  Across the street from the apartment building are tall, large trees, providing the feeling of being established rather than plunked down in the middle of a cornfield.  When and if we buy, that will remain a top priority for us.  

In the meantime, kudos to the architect of our apartment.  When we're in the same room or space, we don't bump into each other.  After being together for nearly 50 years, that's a definite bonus.

There's the garden at Biddy and Darin's, and I can not reiterate enough what a game changer, soul saver digging in the dirt, planting and seeing the garden explode into what I anticipate will be an exceptionally fruitful harvest continues to be for me.  After working in the garden, I can bring my soiled self home to what feels like a vacation home and if I'm so inclined, rinse off and head down to the pool.  As Dan might say, not too shabby.

In short, I do feel as if I'm home.  Such a small word; such a mammoth feeling.