Today, I Am Sad

I have been working this through for a while, since the sale of our house in early February.

The actual sale does not jibe with the fantasy version, in which the house sold rapidly and easily, full price, but the closing did not occur until after we returned from Florida.

One part coincided.  Our Minnetonka home sold in one day, full price.  The new occupants, newlyweds, expressed their hope to raise their family there.  I did hope for this, when I imagined who might buy our home.

But, I saw myself returning to the house for a final farewell and that didn't happen.  Closing happened at the end of March, leaving us in the position of being unhomed.

No big deal, right?  We live a blessed life.  Our trials and tribulations are few.  Our gifts are too many.  The good news is the house is sold!  Simultaneously the bad news is, the house is sold.

I've been waking up in the middle of the night, heart racing, anxiety coursing through my system.  Breathe, I tell myself.  Nothing to worry about, I challenge myself.  This, too, shall pass.  Patience.  Breathe.  Count your blessings.  It will all work out.  It always does.

Last night, instead of the above, I decided to drill down to find out what was strangling me.  What is the emotion driving these feelings?  Could it be..grief?  Sadness?  I don't much do either, choosing instead to push beyond, stick that ramrod down my spine, yank up the big girl panties an extra notch and keep on, keeping on.

And yet I can't.  Because, I recognized, I am grieving the loss of my house.  In other words, I am sad.

Let it be.  Let it be sad.

I wanted to go home.  It didn't work out that way and I'm sad about that, and that's exactly as it should be.  I don't have to be brave and that's precisely as it should be.  I am acknowledging this emotion.  Sad.  Sad, sad, sad.

I wanted to sit in my kitchen one more time, at the kitchen table, with the sunshine pouring through the window while I worked on a crossword puzzle or read the paper or ate after working out.

I wanted to sleep in my bed in my bedroom.

I wanted to curl up on the couch in the family room while watching whatever caught my fancy on television.  My Lottery Dream Home.  Diners, Drive Ins and Dives.  Reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond.  Yellowstone.  Succession.  Anything Star Wars related.

I wanted to go home.

I wanted to check out the plants emerging from winter slumber, greet them one final time, reassure them they will be okay and the new owners will love and care for them.

I wanted to hear the echoes of the grandchildren racing around the house, engaging in what we called the Cousins 500.  

I wanted to go home.

Today, I am sad.  I sense that the further north we drive, as summer slips and fades behind us, as trees are decorated with fewer and fewer buds, my sadness may grow.  We will pull up in front of our daughter Molly's house, where she has created a space for us to call home, and while I will celebrate the joy of living with her, I will continue to be sad until I work through that emotion.  This may take a while, but feeling this feel is the best step.

I will sleep better tonight for knowing I am sad.

Because I don't want to leave the blog on a sad note, here is a photo from our Florida Finale trip to Disney World where an Epcot panda photo bombed us.  We had a great time.  If you need tips on navigating Disney, let me know.



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