Reconciling the Unreconcilable

 Last New Year's Eve, I wrote 2020 in black marker on one of the grandkid's plastic balls.  At midnight, I attempted to kick it out the front door.  Instead, the ball bounced off the door frame, back into the house.

We laughed, saying that's what kind of year it was.

We should have taken it as an omen.

When the year turns, I usually 'take stock' as opposed to making resolutions (although last year, the Spousal Unit and I had the same resolution: to kiss each other goodnight, a habit, sadly, we had fallen out of.  Pleased to report we kept said resolution pretty well and it has produced, at least for me, a most satisfying way to end the day).  I try to spend time in quiet contemplation or prayer, asking myself what I should do to improve my actions, heart and soul in the future.  This Advent, I was struck with the phrase, "...when we are brave enough to be who you (God) call us to be."  This has become part of my prayers and I'll admit to pulling it out multiple times during the day when I discover myself NOT being brave enough to be who I believe/hope/trust God is calling me to be.  

Patience is high on the list of improvements going into 2022.  Another Advent phrase is motivating--"God of the weary and waiting."  Boy, am I weary and man, am I sick and tired of waiting.  Waiting for everything associated with the pandemic to end.  I am weary of the small victories, only to find them snatched away.  Weary of advice and recommendations and guidelines that don't align with what I want life to look like, wearier still of attempting to reconcile the spinning wheel of changing advice and recommendations and guidelines.  I am waiting for COVID-19 to run its course, give up the proverbial ghost.  I lost patience back in the spring with those who decided to listen to influencers rather than science, and, increasingly wearily, I stretch my unconditional love for them since I believe we are called to love one another even when they behave as if they were raised by wolves.  

"...buried within us we have homesick hearts."  I am homesick for a world where it feels as if there is stability (at least a modicum) as opposed to shuddering.  Homesick for a time where hope holds a candle to despair.  Homesick where reconciling the unreconcilable involves more than a shrug of the shoulders or a shake of the head, where looking away as opposed to stepping up becomes the norm.  Where, as I wrote in my Christmas letters, Democrats are Democrats and Republicans are Republicans as opposed to spineless, yellow-bellied, self-serving...you catch my drift.

Patience works.  My grandson, Jackson, 9, has a genetic defect that manifests itself in behaviors along the autism spectrum, as well as significant cognitive disabilities.  When he was diagnosed, his parents were told he would never walk, talk, feed himself, could possibly die in his early teens.  My brave daughter Molly, his mother, never lowered the developmental bar for Jack and insisted we do the same.  This fall, in a span of a day or so, Jackson finally decided he would use the toilet to pee and poop.  Her patience prevailed and believe me when I say there were may adults in Jackson's life who were weary of waiting.  Jack was brave enough to do something he had to reach deep within himself to do.  This may not have been THE highlight of 2021 for me, but it comes damnably close.

Patience tests us.  I thought I had done an okay (no more, probably less) job of managing the annoyances and stressors I had allowed to creep under my skin in 2020.  Lo and behold, a substantial number have re-emerged, magnified and manifested themselves much more often than is healthy.  

During the pandemic, we have been living in a heightened state of unresolved stress, thwarting our efforts to reconcile the unreconcilable.  Our lives have become defined by crisis and chaos, fueled by media of all forms.  We ran through our stress management techniques in March of 2020 and here we sit, carrying both hope and homesickness with us into 2022.  Our belief systems, in particular those that say, "Oh, well.  Whatever.  We'll get through this together.  The sun will come out tomorrow.  Look on the bright side.  Things will get better.  There's a vaccine!  There's a booster!" have been sorely tested.  With patience, we can continue to push through and believe.  Without, we might be sunk.

Reconcile the unreconcilable.

It's time to give up on 2021.  Write it on a ball, kick it out the door, and if it bounces back at you, laugh at it.  Have a good cry.  Call a friend and tell her/him what just happened.  Take a couple deep breaths.  Try it again until it works.

And for 2022?  Keep on keepin' on.